Co-parenting with a narcissist: safety, children and the law

What "narcissist" means, and what it does not

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the types of personality disorder psychiatrists recognise^[1]. The NHS says the way personality disorders are diagnosed is changing, and that a mental health professional explains what a diagnosis means^[6]. Mind says only a mental health professional experienced in diagnosis, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist, can diagnose one; a GP cannot^[1].

So this page does not ask whether the other parent "is" a narcissist. What matters to the family court and to Cafcass is what has happened and its effect on the children^[7][8].

While facts are disputed and the court has not decided them, Cafcass itself describes people as the "alleged" or "reported" victim or perpetrator^[9].

Keeping contact low, written and about the children

Cafcass says communicating positively, or even just neutrally, can make a big difference to conflict and to its impact on your child^[13]. Its tips include^[13]:

• agree rules for handovers, and agree to stop and pick up another time if a conversation breaks down^[13];
• never use your child to pass messages^[13];
• think about the best way to communicate, because texts and emails are easily misread^[13];
• do not question your child about the other home or ask them to report back^[13].

Protecting the children

Children pick up on emotions during a separation and can feel caught in the middle^[19]. Cafcass advises reassuring them that they are not to blame and keeping conflict away from them^[19].

Where there is domestic abuse, the rules recognise that it harms children, including when they see or hear it^[11]. A court's decisions about children are made on their welfare, which includes any harm they have suffered or are at risk of^[8].

If you need the family court

You apply for a child arrangements order on Form C100^[23], and Form C1A goes with the application to tell the court about harm^[17]. Before the first hearing Cafcass carries out safeguarding checks with the police and local authority and usually phones each of you^[24].

The court presumes each parent's involvement is good for the child only if that parent can be involved without putting the child at risk of harm^[25]. Where domestic abuse is raised, it must make sure any order protects the child and the parent they live with, and it must not expect you to take part in dispute resolution that is not safe^[26].

• Special arrangements at court, such as waiting arrangements and how you enter and leave the building^[26].
• Screens or a video link: where you say you are a victim of domestic abuse, the court must consider measures like these^[27].
• No questioning in person by the other parent in the situations the law sets out; the court can appoint a lawyer to do it instead^[28].
• A section 91(14) order stopping further applications without the court's permission, where applications could be used to continue abuse^[29].

Looking after yourself

This is exhausting. You can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies for problems such as anxiety and depression without seeing a GP, if you are registered with one^[32]. The grief of a separation is real too: see the stages of grief in divorce.